Thursday, June 9, 2011

Most Narcissistic Blog Post, In the World, Ever.

What also has the most narcissistic post title, ever, if you consider that the internet is 60% narcissism, 13% actual information and 27% dirties. These percentages MIGHT not be accurate. But most likely they are.
So, remember when I whined, hard, about getting a bad haircut? Because I was SO attached to my long, lustrous*, locks?

I got over it.

I find that when my hair is short, I dream of having ponytails and in the few times I have had ponytail acceptable-ish hair, I dream of cutting it all off. Literally I dream, like wake up in the morning and remember it. my hair is eternally indecisive. So, summer has come, and it was hottt, and Brian was dropping not-so-subtle hints that my constant doo-rag/ponytail combo was perhaps not what I had dreamed about, hair-wise. Because I complained about it all the time. I had to DO something to it! The horror. Also, he's a big fan of the short hair.

Laziness and public opinion won. I wanted them to. I was dying to do it.

But it was HARD, because it took me TWO YEARS to grow my crap-hair, and that is a lot of time to dedicate to something that is ultimately a failure. But my face, it is not built for long hair, and my hairstyling aptitude is lacking. The only way I could make myself feel better about cutting it all off? Spend three hours doing it, and have AS MUCH FUN AS I POSSIBLY COULD. If I can't keep it, I better darn well enjoy the removal process. And, I photographed it all. Because I am hopelessly vain and self-absorbed. It's a fact. I apologize in advance for the photos in which I am making my "prison-inmate" face. There is a reason my product shots do not include face, and it is because my face either looks DEEPLY depressed or somewhat insane in photos. Y'all've been warned.

Without further ado: Narcissism!

Pre-cut. The sitch was kinda dire, as you can see. Prison inmate face alert!
Snippage! Dumb upward-looking face! Hoo-ha.
Continued snippage. This part is kind of boring, I should have done a bit more. The mushroom-cut of my childhood was attempted, but failed. Show of hands, who else had the mushroom haircut? How of hands, who ALSO had an eyepatch? Oooh, looks like I win the pathetic-child award.
This is me pretending to be a bored model, ANTM-style. I have no explanation or excuse, the bob just made me feel classy and silly.
Note: I do not have an abnormally hairy neck. It's just hair-sawdust. Do not judge.
I forgot my quail-piece in that last one.
Closer.... I am verrra serious when cutting hair, as you can see. Not accurate, or technical, but serious. I finished off most of the back with my husbands clippers, because it was way easier. No photos of that. Saaarry. I know you are just DYING for more. Ha.
Ta-daaa!!! I made silly faces.
Final product. Yes, I was going for the thatched-roof bangs. Blame the wip-hairport flickr streat (which is awesome!) Spaniards (is that the proper word? I think it's correct but it sounds a bit wrong. Please correct me if it's wrong.) have the best style, I think maybe. Or, the women do- jury's still out on the men.

Summer-hair! I have got you!

Thank you for indulging me. I am fully expecting my subscriber-numbers to go down after this post.



*Yeah, this is a ludicrous exaggeration. "Lank", "bedraggled", and "frequently dirty" would all be more appropriate adjectives.

25 comments:

Caitlin said...

Oh my gosh, cannot stop laughing! You are so freaking funny, Lauren :) I like your short hair. I think it looks good on you. Seriously, though, you're so amusing. I love reading your posts because I feel like I can actually 'hear' you talking :)

Vicki said...

Love the new do! And Caitlin is right, you are a very funny writer. In a good way.

katie s. said...

I totally had an eye patch. And just cut all my hair off! But I didn't do it all by myself.

Alissa said...

CUTE! Short hair is where it's AT!

Allie said...

How I WISH I looked so cute in short hair - I would love to do that! You look amazingly great and I laughed all the way through your post!

rachel said...

Aaaaaargh, you cut your own hair!! How old are you? Seven?

Mind you, it looks good on you. Brave girl.

the veg artist said...

I love the pixie cut. I suspect that, like me, you have never found a hairdresser who will do exactly what you want. No more, no less. I have the sort of hair that is 2" longer when wet, so when it is cut 'perfectly' into a style, it just looks ridiculous dry. I tell them. They don't listen, so I think you're brave, and clever, for cutting it yourself.

Anja said...

Never ever in the world I would have dared to cut my hair myself (after a bad experience at the age of 6..).
But I have to say you look very elfish-cute with short hair. Well done!

Bobbi said...

You know what? Boys get to {buzz}-cut their own hair all the time, and no one ever makes a big deal about it.

You totally rocked it!!!

Nikki said...

You are hilarious, my friend. :)

I like your hair a bunch!

Sharon said...

Lauren, you have the perfect face for that cut! I'm very jealous because I hate spending time drying then straightening. Oh, to be young and thin again!

Lucy said...

It was nice meeting you the other night! Thanks for letting me know about your blog - now I can get my stalk on! :)

Also, I second what others have said - you are BRAVE to cut your own hair! Looks cute, though!

Kat said...

oh my gosh Lauren...I love tuning in and would never dump you! I, like you previously, am growing out very short hair and am in a daily love/hate relationship with it. Today, by the way with the humidity and all, was a crappy day so I had it in a pony tail (is an inch and a half captured in an elastic band actually a pony?) I regularly go back and forth with myself as to if I should cut it. I don't ask my husband's opinion because I know that he will say, "cut it!". The problem with going back to short hair is that I have to have it cut every four/five weeks and half the time I am not happy with the cut. What is a girl to do? Make a decision eh like you did? I am not there yet but who knows how I will feel tomorrow! Thanks for the smile :)

arajane said...

you are adorable! i am so envious that you can pull off super short hair like that. not to mention that you can cut it yourself!

Jenny @ Anything Pretty said...

Love the new do! It suits you and you can so pull it off. And your narration always cracks me up...you could tell the story of how you watched paint dry and I am sure you could make it interesting!

Jenny said...

Your short hair is adorable. I completely understand the long/short debate. Thankfully mine grows fast though so I go back and forth more often. Currently it's the longest it's been since junior high-and shedding all over the place!

Micmacker said...

The first set of pictures, with the prison-style profile...that is indeed what prison pictures look like. My father did his civil service at a prison, and I came across some slides he still has. You are cute and adorable and the prison dudes in 1963 were hard and scary, but other than this basic difference it's frighteningly familiar. I am going to go cut my hair now, but I won't be photodocumenting the event.

Alexia said...

I love your hair short SO much!!!!
xoxo
Hope all is well!

Linda said...

I didn't have an eye patch, but I had the haircut, wore glasses since I was 5, and was CHUBBY! I believe I win the poor, pitible, girl award. My mom used to take me to a barber for my haircuts, for goodness sake......sigh. I really like the 'do on you, though. You look like a deranged pixy....8-)

Project Denneler said...

Thatched roof bangs are all the rage. I hear. You certainly know how to rock them. And make us laugh, doing it. Being the shorty-haired gal myself, I will never go long again. You made the right choice. Ponytails be damned!

Pam said...

Not only am I jealous that you can cut your own hair. But I'm also jealous that your hubby loves short hair. If my hubby has his way, I would look like Rapunzel.

And your numbers are not going down. I just became a follower! :-)

~ Val @ PinkPlease! ~ said...

Do you know how many times I've wanted to cut my own hair exactly like you did? Too many to count. You've got way more guts and courage than I do! It looks cute!

Sandi said...

Oh my goodness it looks amazing!!! We need to catch up and do lunch :)

Chara Michele said...

This post totally made me laugh :) and oh my goodness I am impressed that you cut your own hair!

Jac's Mum said...

You HAVE to be kidding me! How good does that look?!!!!! And your hubby might have to be allowed to have this round - the short hair is perfection with your face.